The GOP Purity Test

The proposed GOP Purity test, which the GOP swears is not really a purity test, could marginalize the party even more. This is especially true with the mandate that a "real" Republican must agree with 8 out of 10 propostions. Of course, like our Constitution, the GOP Purity test has flexible language you could drive a truck through. The key is how one defines certain words.

I will try to present the GOP Purity Test as proposed and then divine what they REALLY mean by it:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;

We believe that only the Department of Defense should exist. All other departments need to be dismantled. Stop all social spending, especially anything for the lazy poor. Also, ban all taxes. Government should pass a collection plate, like in church. Of course, if the community I happen to live in has a government funded project, that is money well spent.

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

We love Jesus and Capitalism. Health care is not a right. Letting poor people die is God's way of weeding out the lazy. If you can't afford healthcare, it's because you haven't pulled yourself up by the bootstraps and tried hard enough. All government regulation should be banned.

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

The private market has done a great job of taking care of our energy needs. Gas is so much cheaper here than in Commie, Freedom-Hating, Godless Europe as a result. If we just let energy companies drill wherever, whenever, and however they wanted, we'd be fine. The Endangered Species Act needs to be repealed too. No regulations! No Rules! Let companies do what they need to do!

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

We like how companies can stack the deck in a union election, forcing employees to sit through hours of lectures of how evil the unions are, firing union organizers, and such. We want to go back to a real capitalist economy circa 1890 when there was no rules to get in the way of profit like minimum wage, safety regulations, and the like. Unions should be crushed, not allowed to bully people into signing some card!

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

We're all for people coming to America. But there are rules. First, learn FLUENT G-D English! I don't want to hear no accent from a foreign land. Second, you better learn to accept Christ. We won't tolerate no terrorist-loving towel-heads here! Not in OUR country! Third, learn to dress like we do. None of this wearing veils or other
non-American clothing. You came here because we're free! If you don't like how we do things, go home! We also need to build a big wall on the southern border to keep those brown people out. Canada's OK...they talk like us. Dress like us in the winter too. After all, a wall worked in Berlin!

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

We love our servicemen, so long as they aren't our sons and daughters! Other peoples' kids are fine. Whatever our generals say they need, they get, no questions!!!! Why can't we nuke the terrorists?

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

Bomb the shit out Iran and North Korea! Teach them to cross us!

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

Homosexuals are against God's Plan. Revoke all "special rights" that name homos. We shouldn't have to live near them, work with them, or have anything to do with them. We should never give them any recognition for their so-called "relationships" which are based on nothing but blasphemous fornication.

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

The private sector and the church can give out charity care. Those institutions will provide everything that the too-stupid-or-lazy-to-get-a-GOOD-job need. We definitely think all abortion should be banned. Birth control too.

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership;

All current gun regulations should be repealed. The 2nd Amendment is absolute. No restrictions on gun ownership of any kind. If I want an Uzi, I should have one, even if I'm a felon.