Eight Years

This post is not cheery, and it concerns the 8th anniversary of my father's suicide on February 13, 2001. It is an essay I feel compelled to write, but I understand if you don't want to read it.

I was sitting in the Juris Publici (law school student newspaper of which I was editor-in-chief) office when I received the instant message to report to the Dean's Office. I had finished all my classes in the morning, and had contemplated going home for an afternoon nap, but decided not to do that. It's unusual to be summoned to the Dean's office, so I immediately thought I was in trouble. Was I being accused of cheating? Had I turned in anything that could remotely cause a professor to think I might have cheated? I couldn't think of anything as I made my way to the Dean's office.

When I got there, I was directed into the Dean of Student Life's office, and she asked me to shut the door. Another bad sign. What is going on? I thought. The Dean told me that my mother was on the phone and would like to speak to me.

That's when I knew. I knew in my heart why my mother was calling. She was going to tell me that my father had done it. He had committed suicide.

My father had been spiralling down for months. It started in May 2000 when a relationship he was in suddenly ended. He seemed OK at first, but he began to brood more and more. The woman was named Sophia and she worked with him at IBM. In early July, she annouced she was engaged to another man. Turns out that while she was with my dad, she was also seeing an old high school flame on the side who lived in Indiana. That's when the bottom fell out for him.

Having suffered through serious depression myself, I knew the symptoms and signs. When he came to visit me in early September 2000, it was obvious to me that he was NOT in good shape at all. I took matters into my own hands and wrote his therapist. I knew her name, and my mom got me her address. I mailed her a letter telling her my concerns and observations. Turns out that my dad's shrink (he was on anti-depressants at this time) also became concerned and contacted his therapist within a day of my letter reaching her. The one-two punch was alarming enough that she had him come in, and he started more intensive therapy.

I remember wondering if he'd be angry with me, but he wasn't. He knew why I had written the letter, and he seemed relieved and grateful that I had. He kept having anxiety attacks though, especially when he would run into Sophia. His friends were a lifeline in trying to keep them apart as much as possible.

Things continued along, and Christmas break came. I was in Lexington and staying with my dad who had an extra bedroom in his apartment. What I observed there really alarmed me. My dad, the ultimate pack rat, had done some spring cleaning in the middle of December. He threw out a bunch of things, and he had everything else sorted and labeled. Growing up, my dad hated cleaning out the garage, and he certainly never did it after the divorce in 1998. He had a brick from his childhood home in Nashville that is now underneath an airport runway that he was giving back to his parents. I found a copy of the book "Final Exit" which was the notorious "how to" manual for euthanasia.

My dad also gave strange Christmas gifts that year. Along with the brick from his childhood home that he gave to his parents, he gave me a framed picture of himself. Christmas night, as we were getting ready to go to bed, my grandma said, "You think your dad will be alright, don't you?" I don't know why, but something told me to spill my guts on my concerns and observations. My mom joined in the conversation, as did my grandpa. My dad had retired an hour or so earlier. We talked for a good hour about our observations of him, conversations he had had with each of us. My father was very smart...he gave each of us a piece of the puzzle. It wasn't until we compared notes that a picture began to form.

My grandfather was suspicious that my dad wanted to reclaim his Glock that he'd given to them for safekeeping when the serious depression started in the summer. My grandfather went to the hiding place, and the Glock was gone. He confronted my dad, and I'll never know what was said, but my dad turned over the gun, and my grandfather cried. My grandfather never cries, but we didn't see all that. We just knew my dad was acting strange.

A day later, my dad admitted to me what he had been planning. He confessed to me, my mom, his therapist, and his friends. He had been planning on killing himself just after the New Year, Jan. 3 to be exact. At this point, I had a very open and frank discussion with my dad. I begged him not to hurt himself, hold him how much I loved him and needed him in my life even if I was about to graduate from law school. I got to say all the things in my heart that a lot of people leave unsaid until it's too late. In that respect, I have no regrets.

My dad underwent intensive therapy. I tried to talk him into going into a mental health facility just until his mood stabilized, but he refused. He was convinced that if he ever went into a hospital, he'd never get out. I tried to assure him that would not be the case, but he wouldn't be budged. Things seemed to be looking up for him. Since mid-January, his mood had noticeably improved. I thought, along with everyone else, that he had turned a corner.

It was not to be. The mood improvement was a result of his final decision to die. This is common in suicides. Once the person commits to death, he/she knows their pain is about to end, so that makes them happy. My father's pain is something I hope I never feel. I know I was close in 1998, and my dad said to me that if he had known how bad it was for me then, he would have been by my side. I hope my example of beating back depression would show him that he too could win. But his despair was to a point that my example was no comfort.

I took the phone and sat in the Dean's offered chair. My mother told me that my father had died that morning. She was trying like hell not to cry, but I could hear the torment in her voice. It was 11:30am. I responded, "He killed himself, didn't he?" She said he had. She then told me that a plane ticket had been purchased for me to come home, and that the Dean agreed to take me home, help me pack, and get me to the airport.

From that point, things were a whirlwind. The Dean had sent someone to the Juris Publici office to pack up my books and computer. She told me that my car would be safe in the law school parking lot and not to worry about a thing regarding my classes and such. She said I could have as much time as I needed, and just to keep in touch. I was in emotional shock at this point. I went with the flow. I knew I had to get home to Lexington, KY.

Back at my apartment, I threw a few things together that I knew I would need. A suit, regular clothes, etc. I kept trying to call S and tell him what happened. He was very difficult to reach, but I finally did reach him and told him what happened. He didn't have much to offer in the way of comfort, and I am not sure why I thought he would. Little did I know he was on the verge of divorce, so he had his own troubles to deal with.

Turns out that my dad had talked with my mom about what he wanted her to do should something happen to him. He wanted her to drive to Richmond, VA personally and tell me. That was ridiculous. But with my history of depression, she was afraid that this news of my father's suicide would send me into some kind of tailspin and that I'd end up offing myself in response. I understand that worry, but it wasn't realistic. Especially then. Once you've experienced the suicide of a loved one, that option is forever off the table for you, because you know all too well the emotional devastation it causes. No matter much pain you are in, you could never do that to your loved ones. It's a scar that never goes away, and you have no right to inflict it on others, especially those you claim to love.

The next couple of weeks were a blur of activity. As the sole heir, I had to make a lot of decisions, and I followed my dad's wishes as closely as I could. He wrote a total of 9 suicide letters addressed to various people. Mine was a co-letter with my grandparents. Of course, the police had to read all the notes in their investigation. He even had left a note in Sophia's office. One of the small comforts I have is that Sophia had a lengthy interview with the police at IBM. I hope she was humiliated by that. I also made it known she was not welcome at the funeral or the visitation. If she showed up, I would not be responsible for what I'd do. She was smart, and acquiesced to my wishes.

My dad really planned out his suicide well. He spent the night before writing the notes on his computer. From the time/date stamps, we could tell what order he wrote the letters in and what time. He was drinking screwdrivers, although we didn't know that until a blood screen was done. We thought it was OJ, because my dad was not a drinker, but my mom remembered that screwdrivers were his favorite. He burned a funeral CD for us to use at his services, fully labeled and everything. His notes explained everything and left instructions about his funeral. He put on a John Denver CD on repeat, went to the bathroom one last time, and crawled into bed. At this point, he took a handful of the anxiety pills he'd been hording for the last six-seven months to make him go to sleep. He had several blankets on the bed to keep his body warm. It was about 5:30am at this point, and he called his friend Michelle to tell her what he had done and to call the police. He did this knowing that she came in later in the morning due to getting her kids off to school. He also had a lunch date in case Michelle didn't come to work for some reason. Between the two of them, he knew his body wouldn't sit for long. Then, following the instructions of Chapter 13 from "Final Exit", he put on an allergy mask and secured two trash bags over his head with heavy duty rubber bands. The allergy mask is to prevent the bags from being sucked into the mouth. The body's response to suffocation is to claw that the mouth to get air. The mask would prevent this reflex, and the drugs would heavily sedate him, further lessing the impulse to get air. According to the book, this method takes 30 minutes to work. That means my dad died a little after 6am on February 13, 2001.

Today is the 8th anniversary of his suicide. The world has changed so much in that time, and even I am a very different person. I miss him every day, but time has healed. For a few years after his suicide, I used to brood over it from Christmas until the anniversary. The last 2-3 years, I only became melancholy and brooding for a few weeks in late January until the anniversary. Last year, I only started thinking about it the day of. Perhaps that was due to the excitement of the Presidential Primary in Georgia. But this year has been different. Since just after New Year's Day, I have been on an emotional roller coaster, usually feeling fine when I'm at work or out with friends, doing something. It's coming home where I have descended into a dark place. I think about death a lot, especially his. I've even thought that I couldn't half-way blame him for thinking the way he did. That kind of thinking has scared me, because I know what it's like to be left behind. As a result, while I can understand WHY he did it, I have a hard time thinking that I could ever actually do it. Then I am home alone, just me and my dogs, and I feel quite lonely. He must have felt that way too. But I know that as of today, this mood shall pass. It always has. The anniversary is kind of rough, but I think it always will be.

In the years since, another friend of mine committed suicide suddenly and violently. He not only cut his throat, but he hung himself too. I was fortunate that I was not asked to help pack up his place after the funeral. We largely kept the circumstances a secret out of respect for the family. Plus, he left no clues as to why. No note, no diary, nothing. He seemed fine until his body was discovered. Another dear friend lost her father this past October. He shot himself in the head in his car. I know what kind of pain my friend is going through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. In some ways, I'm lucky. I know why my father killed himself. I have the comfort of knowing I did and said everything I possibly could to convince him to LIVE. Most survivors don't have that comfort. They haunted by "what if" questions, even though those questions are pointless. Someone who is determined to die will find the means to accomplish the task, no matter what we do.

Hopefully, no more of my friends will ever know what surviving suicide is like. But if you ever do, know that it does get better. We did everything we knew to save my dad from himself, but it wasn't enough. Ultimately, he had a choice to make, and he made it. It was the wrong choice, but a person determined to die will find a way.

Tonight, I have some dear friends who are going out to dinner with me for the sole purpose of giving me something else to think about, new memories to make. I am grateful to them for their love and friendship. Eight years seems like a lifetime ago in some ways, but in others, it's hard to believe he's been gone that long.

Les Misbarack

Very nice...if you don't like musicals, you should probably skip.

Run-Off Blues

The run-off election results were largely a disappointment in Georgia, and I have heard some wailing, gnashing of teeth, and rendering of garments as a result. As the Young Democrats of Georgia, we worked *very* hard to turn Georgia blue in 2008. Obama got 47% of the vote in Georgia, which is the highest percentage won by a Democratic presidential candidate in Georgia since Jimmy Carter won the state in 1976 and 1980. Before Carter, the last time Georgia had supported a Democrat for President was Kennedy in 1960! Georgia supported Goldwater in 1964 and segregationist George Wallace in 1968. It’s been a GOP love-fest since, with exceptions for Carter and Clinton in 1992. Even when Clinton won in 1992, he won with 43.47% of the vote. We came agonizingly close to winning Georgia in 2008, and we certainly made the state competitive. While our electoral votes went to McCain, we still should be very proud of how well Obama did.

The youth vote is still strange in Georgia. It very much behaves as a swing vote. In national elections, the GOP is getting about 52% of the vote for president. In 2006, the youth vote was the only demographic won by Democrat Mark Taylor on his way to getting 38% of the overall vote for Governor. For the 2008 primary, youth vote tripled, and our share of the Democratic electorate shot up 4 points. The 2008 youth vote for President seems to have mirrored the state results in Georgia, although nationwide, Obama won the youth vote with about 68% to John McCain’s 32%.

We continue to improve, though. So many of Georgia’s youth vote GOP because their parents do. The more our message gets out, the more those youth realize the GOP offers them nothing, and that their beliefs place them firmly in the Democratic Party. Every cycle, we do a little bit better. We are close to parity now, and it won’t be long before we will regularly win the youth vote not only in state and local elections, but national as well.

The run-off results are also set up for a GOP victory. You have to remember that the run-off rules are a relic of the segregationist past. They were set up to ensure that the old (white) guard maintained control of the Democratic Party. Remember, until 2002, Democrats had ruled Georgia since Reconstruction. As the civil rights movement gained momentum, Georgia Democrats adapted by creating an uneasy alliance between urban blacks and rural whites. This maintained Democratic dominance until 2002, when the effort to remove the Confederate battle flag from the Georgia state flag combined with pissing off teachers resulted in Roy Barnes’ defeat. The GOP is stocked with Dixiecrats who left the Democratic Party to join the GOP as the “white” party in Georgia. The GOP has continuously pushed the notion that Democrat = black in an effort to “ghettoize” the Democratic Party. Sadly, it has largely worked. In 2008, for the first time ever, the majority of the Democratic primary electorate was black. The GOP is hoping this means that what is left of the “old guard” in Georgia will flee the Democratic Party for the GOP as the black share of the Democratic electorate continues to grow.

For the Democratic youth, this racial stuff doesn’t matter nearly as much as it does to our elders. We care much more about policies and getting things done than the exercise of raw (or, more accurately, imagined) power. You do see moments where young people try to emulate their elders by trying to incite racial bias, but those efforts are not widespread. They also usually fail.

The Georgia Run-off law requires a winning candidate for any office other than President to get an absolute majority of 50% plus one. If you look at the 1990 Democratic primary for governor, you will understand the usefulness to the white power structure of the run-off law. Since the Democratic nominee always won the general election, open Democratic primaries were crowded. The top two vote getters in July 1990 were Zell Miller and Andrew Young. For whatever reason, it is an accepted fact in Georgia that black voters do not turn out for run-offs. You see a significant drop-off in participation all over the electorate, but it tends to be especially dramatic for black voters. White voters will come out again in much higher numbers for a run-off. This is especially true of white Republican voters. Of course, in 1990, the 2008 white GOP voters were still pulling a Democratic ballot, and they certainly were not going to support a BLACK man for Governor. So Andy Young got his clock cleaned by Zell Miller, who went on to win the election in November.

Another example is 1998 when Mary Margaret Oliver faced off with Mark Taylor for the Lt. Governor nomination. Oliver, a liberal Democratic white woman from DeKalb, came in 1^st place with 29% of the vote. Taylor, a rural white boy from Albany, came in 2^nd with 21% in a primary with 6 candidates. Counting on the fact that Oliver’s base of black support in Atlanta wouldn’t show up again, Taylor whipped up the conservative white boys into a frenzy and won the run-off with 57% of the vote. The whole point of the run-off system is to be sure that rural white guys would win the day at the end.

We knew going into 2008 that we had an uphill climb. Georgia has only become more red since 2002. The mass exodus of DINOs (Democrats In Name Only) to the GOP followed the rise to power of the GOP. These people would become Socialists if it meant being with the party in power. They generally have no moral compass other than their personal aggrandizement. Such party switchers include people like Lauren “Bubba” McDonald, who was defeated from the Public Service Commission in 2002 as a Democrat only to switch parties so he could reclaim “his” seat in Tuesday’s run-off. Another such party switcher who’s sole concern is personal power and aggrandizement is State Rep. Mike Jacobs. The man was a hard-core Democrat until he realized that to get real power in the state house required him to become a Republican.

I never thought that winning GA for Obama (or Hillary) was realistic in 2008. My stated goal was to make Georgia competitive. For me, that would be a win. Oh, we definitely campaigned to win, and our efforts worked. The state was competitive for Obama, and Georgia had the most extensive volunteer-driven network for Obama in the nation. That is why we won a record 47%, and held McCain to 52%...in GEORGIA. This is the state that gave Bush 58% in 2004, and 55% in 2000. The fact that we saw presidential ads in Georgia is a win if you ask me since the last time you saw any advertising for a presidential candidate may have been Clinton in 1992.

Unseating Saxby was also going to be difficult. When the primary season started, we had about 5 candidates who were fairly lackluster. No one really sparked a huge fire, although we did have a couple of interesting choices. We also had the Saxby-financed Vernon Jones campaign (it was an open secret in DeKalb that Saxby asked his builder buddies to finance Vernon’s campaign) since Saxby knew that Vernon as the Dem nominee would assure his reelection. He might as well not have an opponent as to have Vernon.

In the end, though, Jim Martin came through and decided to run. He started late, though, and required a run-off to secure the nomination. Even then, it was going to be a huge uphill fight. We had hoped that people excited about the Obama win would come back out to support Jim on Tuesday, but that did not happen. Despite ads and robo-calls from Obama to the black community, and rap artists pleading for turnout, the huge black turnout for Obama in November did not materialize in December. Of course, the turnout with white progressives was not so great either. I know many people were turned off by all the ads and calls as the eyes of the nation focused on Georgia. Many of those simply did not vote, which I think is silly. Although, it’s also silly for candidates to call people on Thanksgiving.

The results showed that people who turned out to re-elect Saxby just went to the PSC race and voted for the Republican. They didn’t care who it was, so long as the “R” was by his name. That is the only reason Jim Powell lost, as he was CLEARLY more qualified and independent than Bubba. Georgia voters, who supposedly hate taxes, just elected a man who will ensure that our utility rates increase. Way to go, Georgia!

Saxby’s campaign again was full of lies and distortions about Jim Martin. Saxby got his feet wet in 2002 by strongly hinting that triple-amputee and Vietnam veteran Max Cleland was a supporter of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin-Laden because he supported labor rights for the new Homeland Security department. It was a despicable charge against an honorable man who left three limbs on the battlefield for his country while Saxby got 5 deferments for a “bad knee”. A knee so bad, apparently, that Saxby is practically a professional golfer. Amazing how that works.

This year, Saxby basically ran a campaign that said Jim Martin was a child murdering, child prostituting, and inveterate tax raiser who also liked to line his own pockets with public money. Anyone who has ever met Jim Martin knows what a pack of lies these charges were. Jim Martin is an honorable and decent man who has always cared more for results than getting credit. He is one of the most decent people I’ve ever seen in politics, especially when compared to Saxby “Big Daddy” Chambliss who has few morals and even fewer ethics. Saxby always leaves me feeling dirty, and I have the impression that he is a bad person. I do not say that lightly. Generally, I feel Republicans are good people, just misguided.

A bright spot in the run-off election results was the win by Sara Doyle for GA Court of Appeals. While she is a consistent Republican voter, she was not nearly as rigid or ideological as her opponent, “Christian” Taliban tool, Mike Sheffield. I put “Christian” in quotation marks because I consider the man to be anything but a true Christian. His philosophy and beliefs are anything but Christ-like. But he calls himself a Christian, so I’ll put it in quotation marks. He would have added a highly partisan and extremely right wing voice to the Court of Appeals, and defeating him was a real victory.

It does feel like we got our asses handed to us in Tuesday’s run-off election. We have not mastered the art of turnout for a run-off, especially around the holidays. It is not a reason to despair. No one would have thought we could force Saxby into a run-off even as late as September. The “smart” money was on a Saxby easy victory on election night. That we forced Saxby into a run-off and drained away all that GOP money is a victory for us. It may feel hollow, but that is the reality.

So, my fellow Democrats, do not despair. We started out in a very deep hole, and we got close enough to feel the edges. Maybe next time we can pull ourselves out. That is what we are working toward. It is not likely that Georgia will ever go back to the years of Democratic dominance that many of us remember from childhood. We are making Georgia ever more competitive, though….and there will be a time in the near future where Georgia is not considered an automatic lock for the GOP. That is what we are fighting for. When that victory does come, it will be very sweet, especially for those of us who have toiled, and will continue to toil, in the darkness of GOP power in this state. We keep chipping away at the GOP majority, so keep your eyes on the ultimate prize.

We can and will win Georgia again. We cannot allow ourselves to get discouraged. We must learn from the mistakes we make, correct them, and move on to the next battle. We cannot cede this state to the reactionary forces of the GOP. That would be bad for Georgia, bad for us, and bad for the nation. Georgia deserves better than to be a GOP, right wing ghetto. The South deserves better. WE deserve better.

That’s why we fight…and in the end, that is why we will win.

Special Comment on Gay Marriage ~ Keith Olbermann

Olbermann says it all.

John McCain's Rage is a National Security Concern

Creepy... McCain's temperament is a serious concern in this election.

"If you don't vote, you're a moron!"

I can add nothing to Ferguson's message.

John McCain's ads are LIES. Here's the video proof.

Sen.McSame used to be a maverick and a truth teller. That man is now dead. It is obvious that McSame would rather lose his HONOR than lose this election. His lies cannot go unpunished.

Sarah Palin is Not MY Mother -- Thank God

The adoration from the religious right over Sarah Palin's GOP nomination as the Vice President should send chills up the spine of anyone who loves the United States of America and its Constitution, especially the 1st Amendment. I especially reference the part about forbidding the establishment of religion. The Bush years were not able to usher in an uber-right "Christian" Theocracy, but hope springs eternal with the nomination of Sarah Palin, who is a true believer in some really crazy stuff. Bush and Cheney have done unspeakable harm to this nation, but if Sarah Palin reaches the White House with McSame, I sure hope McSame has a food taster, because the right will be looking to send him to meet Jesus sooner rather than later and get their darling in Oval Office.

The right wing curmudgeon of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Jim Wooten, practically slobbered over himself praising the virtues of Gov. Palin in a recent column. I especially became nauseated at the following passage:

Palin’s story is our story. Her life is our life.

She and McCain will carry the South because her values and his are ours.

She is not of Washington.

She is of us.

The question arises, who fits the definition of "us"? Does one have to attend a rigid, far right evangelical, perhaps penecostal, church? Do you need to eschew birth control and other forms of family planning? Do you need to viciously attack people who cross you, aiming to destroy their lives? Do you need to a white, heterosexual family living in a rural, or maybe ex-urban, area? Do you need to have come out of the womb with a shotgun? Do you need to mock people when you sense they are better than you...or at least as Christian, even if they don't agree with you on issues? Do you need to support prayer as a way to convert LGBT Americans from their "sin"? Do you need to brow-beat any Jews you know to accept Jesus or face eternal hellfire and damnation? Do you need to eschew science, and advocate patently false teachings that the earth is 6000 years old and that early man frolicked with the dinosaurs (or "Jesus horses" as our beloved Superindent of Education here in GA once called them)?

If so, then I am certainly not of the "us" that Wooten refers to. Her story is NOT my story. Her life is NOT my life. Her values are CERTAINLY NOT my values. We're both not "of Washington", so I suppose we have that in common. Since I obviously don't fit in to the definition of "us", I'm not lumped in that category with Gov. Palin.

What I am is a white, gay, southern male who is progressive, Christian, and concerned for the future of my country. This brings to me another part of Wooten's column that touches on something that annoys me.

People in the small towns where she grew up, “love their country, in good times and bad, and they’re always proud of America.” It’s not conditional love. It’s not love based on whether we behave and believe as others wish. It’s lasting and unconditional.

Just like I grew tired of being told that I couldn't possibly be a Christian because I was a gay Democrat, I am SICK TO DEATH of hearing the GOP mantra that to challenge your country in any way is somehow "hating America" and near-treasonous. For the record, I love my country in good times and bad. But like my parents always said to me growing up, "We will always love you, no matter what. We may not like what you do sometimes, but that will never mean we love you any less." If I had turned out to be a mass murderer, my mother (since Dad's dead) would still love me with all her heart. She certainly wouldn't be PROUD of my actions as a serial killer though, and the horror I had done would break her heart. But she would love me to her dying day. THAT is unconditional love.

I may not have a child, but I do unconditionally love my country. That does NOT translate into unconditional approval of actions my country may take. I love America, but I am ashamed that we fell for the trap of George W. Bush, especially in 2004 when we should have known better. It was clear the man had manipulated intelligence to get us into a war we should not have been in. It was clear that he was ready to divide the country by attacking gay people in order to win votes. Yet, we voted him back into office. My country is better than that, and I am ashamed of what we did on election day, 2004. I am ashamed that my country has countenanced torture against sometimes innocent people, and disregarded the human rights upon which our government is founded. We should be better than that. I still love my country though, even when it became clear how badly we'd gone astray at Abu Garib prison and at Guantanimo Bay. I found it embarassing that we impeached a president over a sexual infidelity, but I still loved my country. I can, and have, deeply loved my country without always being proud of it. And where I am not proud of my country, I am proud of the spirit that allows me to work to make it better. I love my country as it is, but I want it to be better... just as any parent would want his/her child to do better when you know that child is capable of so much more. It is that criticism and the attempt to make it better that shows how much I do LOVE my country. If my love was conditional, I would simply give up on America, on the ideals that make up the American spirit. I would drop out, stop engaging, and cease to care one way or another.

In an AP article by Sara Kugler, the response to Palin has included such statements as: "She's every mom," said Lindsey Denny, a mother of 7, including a set of quintuplets, two of whom have special needs like Palin's infant son with Down syndrome.

Every mom? Really? I don't think so.

My mother had one child, and even that was a struggle. She stayed at home with me, and instilled a love of learning and curiousity that has served me well. She prayed that I would be smart and do well in school, remembering well how her own mother had belittled and mocked her because my mom struggled in classes, especially math and science. She loved me unconditionally, but her discipline was firm. When I came out of the closet, she struggled, but never once did I think she would disown me. She left a church that she had attended for years because of the way that church drove me from its membership, and the membership of any church, for seven years. Today, she bristles when people trash LGBT Americans. She has even taken to speaking up on our behalf with friends, although she still struggles with whether to reveal that her only son is gay. My mother believes that women deserve equal pay for equal work. She believes that health care is a right, and that we all deserve basic coverage, no matter our station in life or what job(s) we have. My mother believes in science, and reveres the Bible without worshipping it blindly. My mother has a strong faith in God, but she does not believe she is called for force everyone to believe as she does, nor does she think the power of government should be used to coerce her opinions on others. My mother is pro-choice, believing that the decision to carry a pregnancy to term is intensely personal, between a woman, God, and her doctor. She would never presume to impose her choice on someone else. My mother does not belittle others, no matter what their circumstance. More often than not, she seeks to help people in any way she can, over-empathizing in their plight. My mother is terrified of guns, having had a rifle pointed at her head at age seven by her own father. She cannot face a dead animal. She is rarely sarcastic and never mean.

In other words, my mother is everything that Sarah Palin is not. The only thing they have in common is anatomy and a deep belief in God. Even that belief takes them to very different places. My mother is a southern girl from Tennessee who worries about paying her bills, having health insurance, and making ends meet. I thank God that Sarah Palin is not MY mother.... and I will work my butt off to make sure she doesn't become my Vice President.

The REAL Sarah Palin

This email letter came to me this morning from a colleague. It seems to be bouncing around the country, but it's written by someone who is from Wasilla, Alaska and who knows Sarah Palin. It's worth reading. I will certainly have more to comment in the future as this race heats up. Anne Kilkenny has taken a real risk. After the nasty, demeaning attacks against Barack Obama and ANYONE who works in their community to make it a better place during her acceptance speech, this lady has put herself in real jeopardy. Talk about an American hero!

>> Begin forwarded message:
>>
>> From: Anne Kilkenny
>> Date: September 1, 2008 12:20:01 AM PDT
>> Subject: re: SARAH PALIN
>>
>>
>> Dear friends,
>>
So many people have asked me about what I know about Sarah Palin in the last 2 days that I decided to write something up . . .
>>
>> Basically, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have only 2 things in common: their gender and their good looks. :)
>>
>> You have my permission to forward this to your friends/email contacts with my name and email address attached, but please do not post it on any websites, as there are too many kooks out there . . .
>>
>> Thanks,
>> Anne
>>
>>
>> ABOUT SARAH PALIN
>>
I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992. Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her father was my child's favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the residents of the city.
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She is enormously popular; in every way she's like the most popular girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and won't vote for her can't quit smiling when talking about her because she is a "babe".
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It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents for seven months.
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She is "pro-life". She recently gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby. There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby.
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She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.
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She is savvy. She doesn't take positions; she just "puts things out there" and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit.
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Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin's kind of job is highly sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything like that of native Alaskans. Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters.
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She's smart.
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Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000 (at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about 670,000 residents.
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During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had given rise to a recall campaign.
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Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a "fiscal conservative". During her 6 years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over 33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation (1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they benefited residents.
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The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration weren't enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? Or a new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece of property that the City didn't even have clear title to, that was still in litigation 7 yrs later--to the delight of the lawyers involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.
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While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office redecorated more than once. These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city.
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As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state. In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today's surplus, borrow for needs.
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She's not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideas or compromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren't generated by her or her staff. Ideas weren't evaluated on their merits, but on the basis of who proposed them.
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While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin's attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.
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Sarah complained about the "old boy's club" when she first ran for Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of "old boys". Palin fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people, creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally grateful and fiercely loyal--loyal to the point of abusing their power to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the case of pressuring the State's top cop (see below).
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As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla's Police Chief because he "intimidated" her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska's top cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure and she had every legal right to fire him, but it's pretty clear that an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew her support.
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She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn't like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness. Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything publicly about her.
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When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party) engaged in unethical behavior on the job. In a gutsy move which some undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a gutsy fighter against the "old boys' club" when she dramatically quit, exposing this man's ethics violations (for which he was fined).
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As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the "bridge to nowhere" after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.
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As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative action restored most of these projects--which had been vetoed simply because she was not aware of their importance--but with the unobservant she had gained a reputation as "anti-pork".
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She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a fiscal conservative.
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Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah. They call her "Sarah Barracuda" because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah's mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her.
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As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package of legislation known as "AGIA" that forced the oil companies to march to the beat of her drum.
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Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked to global warming. She campaigned "as a private citizen" against a state initiative that would have either a) protected salmon streams from pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State's lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior's decision to list polar bears as threatened species.
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McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a heartbeat away from being President.
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There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more knowledgeable and experienced than she.
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However, there are a lot of people who have underestimated her and are regretting it.
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>> CLAIM VS FACT
*"Hockey mom": true for a few years
*"PTA mom": true years ago when her first-born was in elementary school, not since.

*"NRA supporter": absolutely true

*social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships (said she did this because it was unconstitutional).

*pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to promote it.

*"Pro-life": mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life legislation

*"Experienced": Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska. No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city administrator to run town of about 5,000.

*political maverick: not at all

*gutsy: absolutely!

*open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at explaining actions.

*has a developed philosophy of public policy: no

*"a Greenie": no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.

*fiscal conservative: not by my definition!

*pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built streets to early 20th century standards.

*pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on residents

*pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city government in Wasilla's history.

*pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union doesn't make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim that she is pro-labor/pro-union.
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WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
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First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny + Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.
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Secondly, I've always operated in the belief that "Bad things happen when good people stay silent". Few people know as much as I do because few have gone to as many City Council meetings.
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Third, I am just a housewife. I don't have a job she can bump me out of. I don't belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will cost me somehow in the future: that's life.
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Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100 or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah's attempt at censorship.
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Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.
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>> CAVEATS
I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor) from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of Wasilla, and I can't recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible for a private person to get any info out of City Hall--they are swamped. So I can't verify my numbers.
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You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the population of Wasilla, ranging from my "about 5,000", up to 9,000. The day Palin's selection was announced a city official told me that the current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was 5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to 2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90's.
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>> Anne Kilkenny
>> annekilkenny@hotmail.com
>> August 31, 2008

OBAMA FULL SPEECH: Offers Policy Specifics, Goes on Offense v. McCain

I cannot tell you how amazing this speech was as I watched it with 400 or so Democrats last night at Amsterdam Bar in Atlanta. He even talked about gay rights in a way that made me so proud to be a Democrat.

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) addresses the DNC

Hillary Clinton shows why she was such a formidable candidate and why the Democrats' cup raneth over in this year's presidential primary. It was a shame that we had to pick one, but her speech shows the class, character, style, and intelligence that I love about Hillary... and that the Republicans never have understood and never will.

Governor Brian Schweitzer (D-MT) at the DNC

Some of you might have missed Gov. Schweitzer's folksy, fun, and brilliant performance at the DNC unless you are a C-SPAN watching nerd like me :)

Guys like this give me great hope that we can WIN this election despite all the nasty, negative, racist attacks the GOP will continue to throw at us.

What's Up with the Twink Worship?

Many of us have different definitions of what a "twink" is. I did an online search, and I had a heck of a time finding a good definition, although I did find one here. One that made me laugh was from something called "The Jargon File" which said a twink is "gay slang for a cute young thing with nothing upstairs (compare mainstream `chick')." That definition probably comes the closest to what I think of when I think of a twink. Combined with the requirement that you be under the age of 25, as well as having a certain amount of shallow vapidness... I'm not a fan of the twink.

Yet, I find that the gay community is virtually obsessed with them, including guys who would never stand a chance of landing a twink unless he first showed his bank statement. Lately, I've had a slew of friends who have expressed varying degrees of twink worship that I find disturbing. I've never liked the overly skinny mostly because I first felt that I could break them too easily. I'm a relatively strong man, and if I want to give my guy a bear hug, I do not want to have to worry that I'm going to break bones doing it. Then, after I gained weight myself, I had a new reason to dislike the twink: the twink's obvious, public, and utter disdain for my very existence.

I respect people having different things they are attracted to. Lord knows I have my own quirks. One thing I strive never to be, however, is downright rude. The twinks I've run into have made rudeness an art form. Last Thursday night when I was out for my birthday with friends, I was feeling pretty good, and I was smiling and nodding "hello" to anyone to caught my eye. It wasn't a come on; I was genuinely in a great mood and just being friendly. However, I started getting a string of disgusted looks, eye rolls, and heads whipping in the opposite direction that it threatened to sour my evening. And the perpetrators of this behavior were the twinks. Others either politely smiled back, ignored me, or otherwise didn't react - all fine reactions. But acting like I had walked up to them and asked to fuck them in a public toilet was uncalled for....but with twinks, I find it's typical.

Perhaps it is the worship all things young and thin in the gay community that causes twinks to think that they are better than anyone else who is NOT them. I have no idea, and I'm not particularly interested in why they behave the way they do. I do have friends who qualify as twinks who aren't such insufferable assholes, but they seem to be the exception that proves the rule. It's not like these twinks have anything to particularly be proud of. They are young, which is an accident of birth...but time spares none of us. They won't be twinks but a few years. They are skin and bones thin, and look like young boys for the most part....an accident of genetics, drugs like crystal meth, or both. They usually haven't even graduated college if they went at all. Many of them dropped out of school to work full time in retail, figuring that having money to go out and party was more important than an education. And those who are in college have the added irritation of feeling superior in intellect as well as body and looks....and they let you know it. Their favorite hangout is the gay bar or club, and they usually can be found there a majority of nights, even during the week. They sneer at those of us considered to old, too fat, or too WHATEVER to even breathe the same air they breathe. Yet the gay community as a whole worships them, even those who should know better.

Maybe this is what my friends feel when they meet some of the guys I date. Maybe they feel the same sense of frustration, thinking "What in the HELL is going through his head?!?" as they resist the urge to shake some sense into me. I don't know. It just makes me sad when I see great guys who have a lot to offer mindlessly chase twinks for relationships because they somehow fetishize the type. They think the twink they settle on will be different...one of the good ones. They somehow think that the nightly bar hopping, and the lack of a real career or motivation to excel in the one they are in is somehow going to change once they are together. Even when burned, my friends seem not to learn the lesson that perhaps they should expand their horizons a bit and be open to non-obvious attractions. That's a lesson I've had to learn. I have things that I'm heavily attracted to, but I don't limit myself to that. If I click with a guy, I'm open to pursuing that unless there is simply no attraction whatsoever. Sometimes you can't help that...no matter how great the guy, if there is zero interest, there is zero interest.

But the twink worship continues. For my part, I would be happy to let the twinks have their own little fantasy world where everyone can be young, rail thin, and "fabulous" forever going from bar to bar and party to party. Someday they all have to grow up (one hopes), even if that transition is tough for them. I just don't have the patience to deal with the drama and bullshit that twinks dish out. They have no interest in knowing me as a person, and I'm certainly not going to waste my time trying to convince them I'm worth knowing.

I just wish I could convince several of my friends of this....but I fear they may need to get hurt badly (again) in order to learn the lesson.

Why YOU Should Vote Republican

Getting Older Doesn't Have to Suck

I turned 33 years old last Thursday. It still feels weird to say that, let alone type it. I remember when my parents were 33, since I was 8 years old then. That was the year that I started attending Sayre after the disastrous 2^nd and 3^rd grade merger in my public school. I can’t imagine having an 8 year old right now. Shoot, I can’t even find someone to date, let alone someone willing to share my life.

That leads me to the edge of the spiral that I went down in the days before my birthday. I never thought I’d be 33 years old and alone. My plan had been to settle down between ages 25 and 30, then maybe have a kid or two. Being gay did not change this initial plan, just the gender of my spouse. Of course, I never anticipated that I would have such poor judgment when it came to picking men to date. I never knew that I’d have this “rescuer” complex where I try to take on the wounded and troubled in hopes of helping to “fix” them which would result in their undying love and devotion toward me. I never knew that I’d try to settle with a guy that I wasn’t in love with simply because he seemed to “make sense”. So now I find myself at age 33, alone, and with no prospects for that changing anytime soon.

The night before my birthday, I was really wallowing in the self-pity. My dinner that night consisted of a bottle of Amarula, my favorite liqueur from southern Africa. It’s not a heavily alcoholic drink, so I just got a healthy buzz. The thing about alcohol being a depressant is that while it gives you a buzz, it also keeps you down in the dumps. And boy was I depressed about my birthday the next day.

Then my actual birthday arrived. I was determined to feel bad all day about growing older, being alone, being overweight, and having no prospects that things would ever turn around. However, I started getting the legion of happy birthday notes and emails not only from Facebook but through general email. Many weren’t just birthday wishes but some said things like “Sure am glad you were born!” and “I hope you have a fantastic day!” I found it impossible to maintain my bad mood in the face of all this love coming from the greater world around me.

By the afternoon, I even had plans for my birthday night. At first, I had no plans at all, which also contributed to the general “I’m a loser” feeling I had approaching my birthday. My friend John had said that we’d go have dinner, but I hadn’t heard anything else about that. Turns out he forgot, but invited me to tag along on a planned trip to the Botanical Gardens for Cocktails in the Garden. I’d never been, so I decided to accept the invitation. Then I made dinner plans with Daniel, who just got paid, and was in the mood for some hibachi.

Dinner was great, as usual, and I left feeling stuffed. The Garden was nice, but it was HOT as hell. It didn’t really cool down until 8:30pm or so. The cocktails in the park were weak, too. We even had a stalker who followed us around after eavesdropping on the conversation in line.

After the garden, we decided to head to Apres Diem for some real drinks. I had four Hendrick’s martinis, extra dry, with a twist. They were really good. Turns out high quality gin tastes a lot better than the cheap stuff. The conversation was really good, and we definitely decided not to drive home. In fact, we didn’t go home at all, but walked to Blake’s where I proceeded to have 2-3 more gin and tonics.

Turns out I can hold my liquor better than John or Meg, so by the time we got a cab to take us back to their neighborhood in Grant Park, they were both pretty much passed out. We did get Meg in the house, and her sister drove John and I to his house where we crashed.

We awoke about 9am, and had to scramble to figure a way back to our cars. Luckily, Tim was driving to work, and when I told him the situation, he came and picked us up to return us to our cars. I had a presentation at 10:30am on the health plans for McCain and Obama, and I wasn’t feeling it. My head didn’t pound, but I sure did feel nauseated. Luckily, they had water, and I somehow muddled through it. I was a mess, but I didn’t care… my birthday had been a blast!

McCain on LGBT issues

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEtZlR3zp4c

John McCain is such a douche bag.

All Saints ROCKS!

I could not let my last post sit there without a follow-up on what's happened since. The rhetoric was pretty heated, as you read, but it seems to be going in a direction that makes me happy and reaffirms why I am a member of All Saints' Episcopal Church in Atlanta, GA. The first thing that happened was my rector, Geoffrey Hoare+, posted his thoughts on Gay Marriage. This seemed to calm a lot of tempers. What I so admired in Geoffrey's post was his naked confession that he didn't understand bisexuality or bisexuals, and certainly did not understand the transgender...but he concluded that he was open to education on the matter.

The 2nd piece was a letter to the GALAS list from Elizabeth+, the priest assigned to our group. Her letter is printed in its entirety below:

Dear beloved GALAS,

I have remained on the sideline during much of this current conversation. I was present at the retreat during the time that the new mission statement was being formulated. People fell on both sides of the fence as to whether or not GLBT should be included in the statement. At the end of our discussion, it seemed that the entire group felt that this was a good statement to guide our work, not necessarily in terms of who we are now, but more in terms of who we are striving to be as a community.

We are taking a risk with this change and offering radical hospitality. We are expressing to the world that God’s love is offered to everyone and that GALAS in our life and ministry together are intentionally offering a welcome to all who desire to come into our community.

We seek to be a visible and welcoming presence of the unconditional love of Jesus Christ for all people especially the GLBT community of All Saints’.

Last week it was reported that the clergy were against the explicit inclusion of bisexual and transgender persons in the mission statement of GALAS. I could not respond at the time because we had not yet had any sort of discussion about this as a group. During our Program Staff meeting on Tuesday we did discuss the new mission statement and the naming of bisexual and transgender persons in that statement. On behalf of the entire clergy staff I would like to say that we are in support of changes that are inclusive, we are in support of naming all four letters G – L – B – T. We support changes that do not exclude people from community.

This discussion has spurred much passion within the group, for which I am elated to see. I don’t believe that the conversation has come to an end. As we continue to discuss our thoughts and feelings on these and other issues I want to remind everyone of a couple of guidelines. 1) Speak only for yourself. (Yes, using “I” statements) Please do not quote others, whether from casual conversations or sidebar e-mails. Allow them the freedom to choose to engage in the conversation when they are ready. 2) Please remember to be respectful of others, especially those whose opinions differ from yours. This is a conversation, a forum for communication and sharing of ideas, not a battlefield.

Finally a suggestion: If you feel strongly that a GALAS meeting should be held to discuss this issue with one another face-to-face, please e-mail your GALAS chairs directly Jamin Harkness jharkness@wesleyapartments.com and Patty Williams pmw8486@gmail.com so that they can either add this into the fall meeting schedule or if the discussion can not wait until the fall, then to possibly find a time this summer to gather everyone together.

I offer the following prayer for our continued discussion and discernment:

Most loving God, whose will it is for us to give thanks for all things, to fear nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our care on you who care for us: Preserve us from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, that no clouds of this mortal life may hide from us the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested to us in your Son Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Faithfully,

Elizabeth+

There really is not much more to say. I think that ultimately we will include GLBT in our mission statement, and then get to work on the education piece for ourselves, and the church as a whole.

We Really DO Eat Our Own!

In the last 24 hours or so, my gay group at All Saints has been having a heated conversation. It started innocently enough with a proposed change to our mission statement. Currently, our mission statement reads:

Gays and Lesbians of All Saints' provides a welcome mat for persons of all orientations. We offer an environment for fostering community and reconciling issues important to our faith. Through our regular gatherings, special social events, annual retreat, and educational and service opportunities, our goal is to grow as beloved children of God.

At our annual retreat (which I couldn't attend due to holding the YDG Exec Retreat), the following mission statement change was suggested:

To be a visible and welcoming presence of the unconditional love of Jesus Christ that allows GLBT people to participate fully in the life and ministry Christ within the community of All Saints.

Not a huge deal, right? As a group within All Saints, we have certainly been maturing. We are no longer a group of mostly older gay men who survived the worst days of the AIDS epidemic in Atlanta. We are also generally NOT made up of single people anymore, much to my chagrin. (So I hoped to meet a nice boy at church...who knew that meant I'd first have to break up a happy home?!? Hence, I'm single with no end to that status in sight.) We are chock full of committed couples, and I'd also say that we are certainly in the middle of a "gayby boom" with male and female couples having children all over the place. As our needs change, the group should change.

Who knew that those four little letters would ignite such a controversy? G.L.B.T.

G.L. are no problem. After all, just about all of us are gays or lesbians. It's when we reference those pesky bisexuals and transgender folk that people back up and say "WHOA! Going too far there!"

The opening salvo came from one of our lesbian members:

However, I have some strong feelings about the new mission statement. In particular, the use of GLBT. I think it's confusing and misleading. To include Transgendered in a mission statement for GALAS would lead (albeit uneducated) people to think that transgendered people are gay. I've had a bunch of conversations with people along these lines and you'd be surprised how many people just don't understand what being transgendered means.

I also feel that it's misleading to a transgendered person who would come across it. Sure, we welcome them, but I feel it gives the impression that we in some way champion their cause or represent their issues. And let's be honest - we don't. We are working very hard toward full inclusion of gay people into the church and are taking steps to educate people of gay issues. But none of it has to do with gender identity.

I know this may come across as harsh and exclusive and I don't intend for it to be. I have great sympathy for the struggle of transgendered people, but I just don't feel that it should be included in our statement.

And with that, we were OFF to the races! Personally, I could not believe that we really had people suggesting "Yeah, we'd welcome them, but we certainly won't talk about them!" This from a group of people who largely grew up in churches that explicitly and HARSHLY excluded them for being gay or lesbian. I know I grew up in a church where it was clear that my pastor did not like gays, nor would he tolerate them in his congregation. He also made it perfectly clear that God didn't particularly like me either. It took me years to give church another chance, and I found a place in All Saints that accepted me for who I was, an openly gay man. That was a tremendous gift, and I didn't understand how others would argue we should deny that to others.

The same lesbian came back later to add:

I am not uncomfortable with transgendered people. And I do not wish to exclude anyone. I simply don't see a need to call out transgendered in our mission statement, for the reasons I stated earlier. Everyone is welcome at the table, but we aren't listing transvestites, cross dressers, etc. in our statement either. It's a question of clarity. We are gay people fighting for the inclusion of and education about gay people. Sexual orientation, not gender identity.

If we want to tackle these larger issues, that's a discussion for another day and a mission for a future group.

I wasn't sure how to respond, but I knew I had to. This is what I said:

By specifically excluding T when the popular press and the political world all recognize that we are part of one community (LGBT) is to really have a mission statement who's true meaning is:

To be a visible and welcoming presence of the unconditional love of Jesus Christ that allows gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual, but not those freaky transgender, people to participate fully in the life and ministry Christ within the community of All Saints.

Honestly, how could the underlying message be anything BUT that? It seems we have a strong sentiment that trans people are freaks and undeserving of the love of Christ or being able to participate fully in the life and ministry of of Christ in His Church. Of course, there is same fear that led Barney Frank to exclude the transgender from the Hate Crimes and ENDA legislation. There was a majority for protecting gays and lesbians, but certainly not "those people". But even then, there was a promise that the community would come back later and take care of the Transgendered....here I am not even hearing that. I get the feeling that many of us would simply shun a transgender person who came to All Saints...and for those of us who have grown up with the shame of being gay in the church, been told that God does NOT love us, that we are unworthy of the community of Christ... how do we turn around and do the same thing to the Transgender person, if one was so bold as to step inside our church?

It was the crossdressers and trannies who rioted at Stonewall and launched the gay rights movement, if I have my history correct. Yet here we are being quite explicit about who in our community is and is not worthy of full participation in the community of Christ.

I do not think we have achieved full integration. If we had, then we would not have seen each and every gay or lesbian candidate for vestry voted down since we moved to mail-in ballots. We are integrating, but we have work we need to continue to do...and I think the gayby boom we are seeing in All Saints will help that tremendously, as long as the new parents continue to devote themselves to church service and then stand for election to Vestry.

I would agree with the sentiment below, but I would also add that we are to be a source of education for the rest of the church too, as we connect ourselves with other ministries.

>
> Personally, my interest would be more towards "evangelism." What I
mean by that is there needs to be some mechanism to help gays and
lesbians:
> 1. Know the grace and love of God expressed at All Saints' for
gays and lesbians
> 2. Connect with other gays and lesbians to feel comfortable and
welcome
> 3. Find ways of connecting gays and lesbians into the overall
community and ministries within the rest of All Saints'
>

I think it's good to have this conversation, even if by email. I am not comfortable with transgender issues myself, so I sympathize with the notion of excluding them to protect ourselves...but something inside me says that course of action is just not right. Whether that is simply my conscience or the Holy Spirit nagging at my soul, I cannot say. But the steering committee will follow the will of the membership, whatever that may be.

I got some emails back saying that I was full of anger and falsely attributing things to people who wanted to just name "gay and lesbian" to our group's mission. I thought I was just clarifying things, pointing out what we were REALLY saying by specifically saying we won't touch the trans or bi issue.

Then one of my fellow "Steering Committee" members got into the fun. You have to understand some background of this fellow to fully appreciate his contribution to the discussion. This is a man who has a history of imposing a storyline on his life, or at least TRYING to. The last couple of years since he turned 30, he's been on this kick of being part of a "perfect gay family". He will move heaven and earth to make this a reality too. In the meantime, his partner is in this country illegally, having overstayed his visa after the government turned down his application for permanent residency. They recently adopted a baby girl through open adoption, although how the illegal residency thing was missed by background checks the agency did is beyond me. During the process, this man went through more than a few shortcuts so he could get his child sooner than later. Both men have easy and ready access to recreational drugs (I know that's common in Atlanta, but if you're trying to be the picture perfect gay family, I'd think drugs would not be included), and up until the child arrived, they were ho9lding regular threesomes with God-knows-who and smoking up every chance they got! Now if he weren't trying to play like he's the gay version of "Leave it to Beaver" I wouldn't care less. But it's the hypocritical sanctimony that gets to me. Here was his missive:

Adding the initials “BT,” I believe is inflammatory and will not be received well within the parish. In fact, after a conversation with leadership at All Saints’, I don’t believe it will be accepted by the priests or vestry. Nor do I believe it is our decision to make—that is, adding it to our Mission Statement. I believe we can make recommendations to the leadership/rector/priests/vestry at All Saints’ but GALAS still functions within All Saints’ Episcopal Church and thus it’s internal group’s Mission Statements must be approved. Also, I want to again say I was very comfortable with the original Mission Statement even though I wasn’t even involved, at all, within GALAS at its origin. I think we need to pause and treat this dialogue as our recommendation for a new Mission Statement.

I am all for the process of dialogue and for respectfully sharing our opinions. Personally, I am against adding the “BT,” because again, I think it’s inflammatory and I think we should be cautious as the church is fatigued with these issues. I respect, have considered and acknowledge ’s comments on other issues the church has faced in the past and the results. Adding those initials is not something I am willing to stand up for and push hard for within our church. I believe our parish has taken significant steps already towards our support and yet also feel we are not fully affirmed and included yet.

To that end, my partner and I have respectfully told and requested of Geoffrey that when he and Vestry will stand behind us or “approve,” we want to have our commitment ceremony in the church – at the same altar (or table) as other parishioners. To use Bruce’s words, to be completely affirmed as beloved children of God in our church. Another GALAS member and I were discussing this today and considering that pets can be blessed at All Saints’ but Gay and Lesbian couples cannot. Step by step—true, but I have personally made it known to Geoffrey that my partner and I want to be affirmed as beloved children of God, at the altar, the same as our straight brothers and sisters who I sit beside in the pew at church.

I propose that we approach our dialogue towards refining our Mission Statement as a recommendation to the Rector/Priests and Vestry.

I also acknowledge I do not personally know any transgender people nor understand their issues. Because of that, I’m not personally comfortable adding their initial in our Mission Statement. Thank you for your well written and respectful email on the issue. That email has made me think a lot. Also, I take issue with the concept of bisexuality and believe it inhibits fully committed relationship with another. Because of that, I’m not personally comfortable adding their initial in our Mission Statement.

So, I was left with this apparent backlash by "upstanding, respectable" gays and lesbians against the more flamboyant members of our community. They were going so far as to say that Trans people aren't even MEMBERS of our community. That made me wonder how I could explain that they are. I am certainly not the perfect vessel. I have my own issues of transphobia and just plain not getting it. But I don't think that means I should turn around and suppress them! This is what I came up with:

The question of whether or not transgender people (or even bisexuals) really belong in our community is an interesting one and perhaps at the heart of this mission question. We are an affinity group, so our mission should be narrowly tailored to the community we intend to serve. So that begs the question: are transgender folks a part of our community or not?

Looking at the issue of sexual orientation, it's easy to see how at first blush, one could say "Maybe, maybe not" depending on the transgender person. An MTF (Male to Female) person who was always attracted to men will technically go from gay to straight after full transition. However, an MTF who has always been attracted to women will go from technically straight to gay! I could offer similar examples for women. Would we, therefore, include the MTF who "becomes" gay upon transition and exclude the MTF who "becomes" straight upon transition? Or do we say the question is too confusing, and we're excluding the whole lot?

I've thought a lot in the last day about how a transgender person is and is not part of our community. It goes beyond who that person falls in love with or sleeps with. The more basic question is what could possibly unite G, L, B, and T? Why does society disparage ALL of us? Why do so many in the worldwide church froth at the mouth at
the mere thought that we might be considered beloved children of God?

Biblical translations aside, ultimately, each and every one of us is violating the norms of our born gender. For gays and lesbians, we dare form our primary attachments to members of our SAME gender! Why, I was born a MAN...and everyone KNOWS a man is supposed to be with a woman! I'm spitting in the face of that by admitting I'm gay! Same goes for any lesbian. You and I know that is just how we are born and
wired. We couldn't force ourselves to fall in love with an opposite gender mate than we could survive underwater. The bisexual dabbles in this expression of noncomformity by being quite open to relationships with BOTH sexes.

Where does the Transgender fit into this? A Trans woman is born a man with XY chromosomes, a penis, and testicles. He's supposed to fit into the gender roles of a MAN. There's a problem, though. Everything tells him that he's really a woman, despite the physical evidence to the contrary. So if he comes to terms with that, he will transition into a SHE, and literally cut off the parts that "make" him a man. For society, this is MUCH MUCH worse than our transgression of merely having romantic and sexual relations with members of our own gender. A man that would multilate his own body in order to live as a WOMAN! Imagine it! And then you have a Trans man who is born as a female, and then cuts off her breasts and turns her vagina into a penis! A woman trying to be something she never can...a "real" man!
We will have NONE of that, thank you!

And then you have those in between folks...the ones who are NOT transgender, but who nonetheless have much in common with the transgender in that they live their life displaying characteristics of the opposite gender. By this, I mean the flaming queen who swishes down the street and the bull dyke is often mistaken for a teenage boy. For many of us, we are just as uncomfortable with them as we are with the idea of the transgender. If we decide that trans is certainly NOT a part of our community, do we also say that the flaming queen and the bull dyke really aren't either? If we insist on making room for them, how do we justify saying to the poor transgender person who dares walk into All Saints, "Sorry, we're not here to serve you. Form your own group." The trans person would probably expect that, sadly enough, and likely isn't going to go into church. The statistics on transgender folks are scary...most have no jobs, few friends, and they tend to live on the street. That's why you have so many "tranny hookers". Their suicide rate makes our 30% rate as gay/lesbian youth
look downright low.

We are certainly arguing over something that hasn't happened yet, and I doubt will happen in the near future. Transgender issues are far behind the rest of gay and lesbian rights. Declining to reference them is a conscious choice to exclude them from our mission and our community. The people in the church who would freak out at the mere thought of a bisexual or transgender person would also freak out at the flaming queen and the bull dyke. Most of us at All Saints are pretty mainstream and downright ordinary. As we approach our goal of full integration and equality in the church, should we consciously leave behind the more flamboyant members of our community to "seal the deal"... or do we betray ourselves in doing that?

Our society as a whole has not figured that out yet, but it's certainly underpinning our conversation.

I don't know what the result will be. I feel like I'm wholly ill equipped to make the Trans-inclusive argument, and I certainly understand the feelings of the other side. They sense trouble brewing, or stalling our movement forward in the church, so they are trying to get rid of anyone who might hold our cause of full acceptance back. But it just seems WRONG to do it that way.

I'm open to any thoughts....